healing is a slow process…

well, I’m re-writing what I just wrote ’cause my crappy computer just shut down. of course nothing was saved. anyway, I’m think I’m dealing with it pretty well considering my computer isn’t out the window and in the yard right now.

it’s taken a year of trusting other people to help me grow emotionally. I have two people I really trust that I’ve had to rely on their advice when I wanted to react to hurtful situations in the only way I knew how. stemming from my abuse as a child the way I’ve dealt with hurt, pain, anger etc…has been stunted. I’ve had to totally come out of my comfortable and familiar ways to be able to grow up. I’ve had to really examine myself and not be so stubborn and feeling so entitled to be treated a certain way. there’s always going to be hurt and pain, dealing with it in a healthy manner is my goal.

I can honestly FEEL a change. I don’t know exactly how to describe it - lighter feeling in my heart. my mind doesn’t dwell on hurts and anger over and over again. I used to replay circumstances that made me mad over and over again - thinking of how I could respond to cause the most pain back. I still get angry about some things but I don’t find myself stuck in it. that’s my biggest accomplishment. changing the way I think and how I feel pain and hurt has been a hard, slow and long road. I’m not done. wow though, I can see where changing myself is worth more than trying to change those around me.

onward ho!

for crying out loud…give me a freakin’ break

finally dealing with the sister issue and jerk band member raises his ugly head. he gives me a lame-ass explanation as to why i’m not in this weeks line-up to play. i’m really getting sick of this.

better than I thought - forgiveness may be easier now.

well, this weekend went quite well. it was strange because neither sister acknowledged any problems - i’m thinking they were trying to keep the weekend lite or they may have been putting on a show for my parents - who knows. we didn’t talk about anything worth anything.

this was good for me though. it made me realize i don’t need my sisters. i actually think they have lots of their own issues to deal with and i’m glad to be as far along in my healing that i am. sister #1 has two out-of-control children because she refuses to discipline them. she lets them do whatever they want no matter how disruptive they are to others. at the wedding rehearsal they were running around the room, standing on chairs, pulling on other kids - whoa, i’m serious when i say out-of-control. at the wedding as people were being seated and i was playing prelude music she was letting her youngest son jump down the steps at the front of the church. very disruptive. the icing on the cake was when my dad was sticking magnetics between the toes of her oldest (3) just being silly. child said he didn’t like that and my sister quickly spoke up and said he didn’t have to do anything that made him uncomfortable. ??? he’s freaking 3 years old. my dad later said child was actually having fun and it was weird sister said that since my dad was trying to bond with a grandchild he hardly ever gets to see. If she thinks letting her children do whatever they want is good parenting she’s got more problems than she’s going to know how to deal with. i can’t imagine how they go places like restaurants with these kids.

sister #2 doesn’t know how to just be a part of the family. she can’t just sit and enjoy being with her next of kin without inviting someone else to be there by her side. she called a friend (not even invited to the wedding) to come to my brother’s rehearsal dinner. instead of sitting and talking with family, she sits in a different place than what my mom assigned and spent the evening talking with her friend. since it’s been almost a year since she’s seen or spoken to any of us, i found it odd that she didn’t even make an effort to talk with our children.

i’m feeling better about them not having supported us or not having contact with us for so long. they’re more messed up than i am. these were just things i saw in two days. who knows what other crap they’re probably dealing with. if my sister #1 can’t stand her children or herself being told what to do or feeling uncomfortable i wonder what her marriage looks like, what her friendships are like - if a friend offends does she shut them out?

at least i’m working toward a healthy life. a healthy heart and mind. right now they look stuck and i’m not going back.

i forgive you guys for being lousy sisters. i forgive you for treating my children poorly and for not being there when we went through a difficult time. i forgive you for being so judgmental when you had no idea of the facts. i forgive you for being ultimate bitches and ganging up on me when i was already down. i think i’m going to be working on this forgiveness for awhile but i’m also more optimistic about being able to accomplish it.

i have got to get through this

my sisters will be here tomorrow and all i want to do is read them the riot act.  nothing good could come of that.  kindness and compassion and understanding is what i have wanted from them…i have got to behave with those attributes toward them.  it will be almost a year since we’ve spoken.  i have no idea how this is going to be.  neither of them has responded for over a month to my last email.

imagine the shock when my mom told me one of my sisters wanted our two biological children to come and spend time with her.  what?  she hasn’t shown an ounce of interest in how they’re doing.  when our son was in the hospital she never called to see how he was.  she didn’t call or send a card this year in honor of our son who passed away.  i am completely confused by my sisters.

i’m torn by how to behave and how i want to behave.  tomorrow.  we’ll see which side of me wins.

what nerve…

after treating me like crap my sisters have asked to stay at our house for an upcoming event. Wow, as long as they can get something they’ll be nice. someone mentioned to me today that sister #1 always has a hidden agenda. In every dealing they’ve ever had with her there’s something behind her interaction. i believe it now. she’s only nice when she wants something from me - or anyone probably. the only reason she’s developed a good relationship with sister #2 is to cause her to separate from the rest of the family like sister #1. i only hope sister #2 realizes this before it’s too late and she destroys what family bonds she may have.

I wish this were easier…

today is not a good day. i’m feeling hurt and angry and tired. i’m upset about the decision i’m wanting to make about my sisters…continue working out a relationship or move on. i haven’t heard from them and it’s now just rude and hurtful. mean is a good word for it too.

also…my hubby, me, asshole band member and his wife all met. thought we should talk things out and work on coming to a place where it’s not miserable playing together. the meeting sucked! he cannot admit he treats me like crap even when i give him concrete examples…sheesh.

also…my parents and r.a.d. daughter were here not too long ago. that sucked. she wasn’t in one of her better personalities and i’m so tired of it. they’re coming again soon and t’s therapist suggested (in front of t) that we find a different place for her to stay. where on earth could we place her for a week while she’s here?

i’m ready for happy. tired of ugly sad.

to forgive and not reconcile

well, i emailed my sisters around two weeks ago and haven’t heard back.  what does that tell me?  move on?  this is difficult.  there is an event happening in my family where we will all be here.  are they going to want to stay at my home?  what if they do?  my parents will hopefully be here - as an aside…the therapist our r.a.d. daughter has been seeing suggested that she stay somewhere else when visiting so as not to cause so many problems in our home.  that’s going to go over well with the judgemental not an ounce of compassion filled sisters.  i guess who cares?  they’ve chosen to uninvolve themselves this far, why expect anything more from them now?

back to staying at our house.  i don’t think i’ll be ok with them either way.  if they want to stay i know they just use me when it benefits them…if they stay somewhere else i’ll see how terrifically separated they choose to be from me and my family.  this all has to be forgiven.

wow…how to forgive when it just keeps getting worse.  i need to learn not to expect anything from them.  then when something positive happens i can be pleasantly surprised.  i suppose the fact that they’ve been deliberately hurtful to me puts a brake in my ability to heal and forgive.  i will do this though.  i will never be hurtful and  ugly like them.  i’ve got to get my heart in a good place.  not for them…for me.  i’m worth it.

back to what i started

sometimes i feel so hurt i can do nothing but feel sorry for myself and my situation.  well, that’s not going to happen.  i can feel the hurt but i’m going to continue to work through forgiving those doing the hurting.  i’ve come a long ways to let a few steps backward stop me.  i’ve got to forgive my sisters.  even if our relationships are never healed my heart can be.

what a painfully slow process this is.  especially when the response from my sisters is less than helpful - i’d go as far to say not in the least christian (yet they claim to be).

not only must i move forward in my own healing but also not let my own relationship with God be negatively affected by other “christians” behavior.  God will not abandon me nor hurt me.  He is not them.  I can prevail in my journey by depending on His healing, help, strength - whatever that looks like.

sister #1 i’ll begin with you…i forgive you.  you’ve accused me of things you’re guilty of yourself yet chose to take it out on me.  i forgive you for not being there when i needed you most.  forgive forgive forgive.  please help me forgive her Lord and take the pain and heaviness out of my heart.  help me release the anger and emotions verging on hatred.  i forgive her for abandoning me.  i forgive her for turning my other sister away from a relationship with me.  i forgive you because i must.  i know you’re messed up.  i forgive you for letting that ruin our relationship as sisters.

this is going to take time i know…better to start sooner than later.

abandonment issues…

one of the excuses given to me by one of my sisters as to why she wasn’t communicating with me is how concerned she is about t’s abondonment issues.
well, if she had been communicating with me (or anyone else in our family) she would know that t has not been abandoned by anyone but her and my other sister. just because t has gone to live with my parents it didn’t cut off our relationship or communication with her. my husband talks with her once a week or more (i speak to her less because of her issues with mother figures). we’re in constant communication with my parents.
i guess i’m angry at being accused of abandoning someone by the person who is doing the actual abandoning.
i also realize i may be trying to have a relationship with people (my sisters) who don’t want a relationship. they both said they felt i didn’t want them involved in my life - well, the truth is sister #1 has disengaged herself from everyone in the family but sister #2. unfortunately, sister #2 is now using lingo sister #1 uses.
looking back on our family history - even before dealing with t i realize my sisters don’t really care about our family. when h was in the hospital hooked up to an oxygen machine neither sister called to see how he was doing. i should have got it then.
this isn’t for sure but i think if i don’t get an apology or some sort of positive message from my sisters i’m going to move on. i don’t have enough energy to keep working on my relationship with them, t and have a healthy, happy family here at home. they are no longer a priority.
i have to get to a point where that’s ok. i don’t need them to like me. i don’t need their validation in my life. there’s a bond between family members that makes us long for each other - i think. it’s about time to break that bond and move on for me. i’ll grieve for the relationship between our children but that’s it.

nothing..

so mad and hurt i can’t write what i’m going through.  why keep trying?  why does it matter?