still hurting and not dealing with it…
ok. when my mind has down time (rarely) i start thinking about how my sisters haven’t asked how we’re doing. they haven’t asked how the biological children are dealing with t going to live with my parents after 4 1/2 years of hell. i think we’re going on 7 months without them seeing how it’s going. stupid little voice in the back of my mind is saying, “you haven’t contacted them either”. yeah well, i’m ALWAYS the one to break the ice when there’s tension between us. i’m ALWAYS the one to apologize (whether i should or not) to keep our relationships going. it’s just not going to happen this time…and look where we are. nothing from them, mad/hurt/anger from me. our children are left out of their cousins lives…ahhhhhhhhh!!!
i just don’t want to. i don’t want to call, email, nothing. i really want them to show they care (if they even do).
so…i keep pushing the hurt away. when my mind goes there i’ll push again. i don’t want this to affect my health or happiness by not dealing with it. i know this is hard for my parents to understand – well, maybe not – they’ve been hurt by my sisters too. mom reaches out, no matter what because she’s mom. me, i’m not going to right now.
i know this whole stupid blog is about me getting over it…this is really hard though. i feel justified and maybe i shouldn’t. maybe that’s what i’ve got to work through – humility. allowing myself to be vulnerable, get hurt and be able to deal with it is my ultimate goal here. we all get hurt. how to let it bounce off and still love people is the big question i’ve got to get answered.
March 7, 2008 at 3:27 am
I haven’t read your whole blog, so I am not familiar with your story. Forgive me if there are some subtleties that elude me.
Families are an odd phenomenon. Their dynamics often make little sense. If you want a relationship with them, I would quit waiting for them to call. If you call and they turn you away, then you have reason to be hurt. Life gets busy. I bet they think about you and wonder how you are doing, but don’t do the next step and pick up the phone.
My brother didn’t talk to me for years because he was angry about a perceived snub. Please don’t your pride or your sense of “should” keep you from being the one who reaches out. You may never have the relationship of your dreams, but it is worth some effort to keep the channels open. Good luck.