contentment in life instead of whining for what I don’t have…

ok, I’m really doing better than I was 6 months ago.  I have gained about 7 lbs since my sisters came and went in June.  That sucks.  I do find it interesting that I gained weight after spending time with them.  I need to get this off my chest so I can go back to a more comfortable weight.

Not quite sure why I’m dealing with thoughts of them right now.  I know I’m disappointed in them for not taking part in our lives or “T’s” life.  I feel they have behaved poorly and blamed me for things that aren’t as significant as their crap.  I’ve got to let this go.  I think about them not communicating with me even after opening myself up to them and it makes me mad/hurt.

I will be ok.  I have an amazing life I need to appreciate more.  I want to feel more contentment for what I have instead of pine for what I want.  I can do this.  I made it this far with God’s help…I’ll keep moving forward.  Now…to go appreciate my children as I tuck them in tonight.

i have got to get through this

my sisters will be here tomorrow and all i want to do is read them the riot act.  nothing good could come of that.  kindness and compassion and understanding is what i have wanted from them…i have got to behave with those attributes toward them.  it will be almost a year since we’ve spoken.  i have no idea how this is going to be.  neither of them has responded for over a month to my last email.

imagine the shock when my mom told me one of my sisters wanted our two biological children to come and spend time with her.  what?  she hasn’t shown an ounce of interest in how they’re doing.  when our son was in the hospital she never called to see how he was.  she didn’t call or send a card this year in honor of our son who passed away.  i am completely confused by my sisters.

i’m torn by how to behave and how i want to behave.  tomorrow.  we’ll see which side of me wins.

abandonment issues…

one of the excuses given to me by one of my sisters as to why she wasn’t communicating with me is how concerned she is about t’s abondonment issues.
well, if she had been communicating with me (or anyone else in our family) she would know that t has not been abandoned by anyone but her and my other sister. just because t has gone to live with my parents it didn’t cut off our relationship or communication with her. my husband talks with her once a week or more (i speak to her less because of her issues with mother figures). we’re in constant communication with my parents.
i guess i’m angry at being accused of abandoning someone by the person who is doing the actual abandoning.
i also realize i may be trying to have a relationship with people (my sisters) who don’t want a relationship. they both said they felt i didn’t want them involved in my life – well, the truth is sister #1 has disengaged herself from everyone in the family but sister #2. unfortunately, sister #2 is now using lingo sister #1 uses.
looking back on our family history – even before dealing with t i realize my sisters don’t really care about our family. when h was in the hospital hooked up to an oxygen machine neither sister called to see how he was doing. i should have got it then.
this isn’t for sure but i think if i don’t get an apology or some sort of positive message from my sisters i’m going to move on. i don’t have enough energy to keep working on my relationship with them, t and have a healthy, happy family here at home. they are no longer a priority.
i have to get to a point where that’s ok. i don’t need them to like me. i don’t need their validation in my life. there’s a bond between family members that makes us long for each other – i think. it’s about time to break that bond and move on for me. i’ll grieve for the relationship between our children but that’s it.

staying true to my heart…

done with one email and have the rough draft for the second.  hubby and therapist are helping with both.  thank goodness i didn’t really need to make any changes in the first email.  the second one i may need more help because #1 – this sister has hurt me deeply and often  #2 – she doesn’t process information like other people.

i hope her hubby reads the email and helps her respond in the same manner it will be sent – trying not to hurt yet get through this because of hurt.  i also think (but don’t know) that she’s had sister #2’s ear and has influenced the lack of communication i’m experiencing.

really, i’m reaching out to her because i know it’s the right thing to do, not because i want to.  although, i want to do what’s right and best for my heart AND our children so…i guess in a way i do want to.  hmmmmmmm.  i’ve just got to do something to get my mind back on things that aren’t so painful all the time.

have to do something…

a few nights ago i awoke around 3:00 am upset about this sister stuff.   i have to do something.  i’ve decided to email…i’ll be civil and kind and just begin a dialog to hopefully mend whatever fences are down.

i would really like to lash out and hurt them back.  i’d love to let them know all the offenses they’ve tossed my direction and shame and guilt them into begging my forgiveness.  i know, i know that would only make things worse.  i have to ask myself, “what do i want to accomplish here?”.  i need to seriously examine how this will not only effect me, but also our children and their children, our parents and our spouses.

why care?  i know i need to care for my own hearts sake.  now, i also need to protect my heart for what may be responses i don’t like or continue to be hurtful.  i just know i cannot be hurtful back – no matter how much i’d like to be.  i’m not going to be like that.

i’ve already composed a rough draft for sister #2.  maybe by monday i’ll be ready to send it to her.  sister #1 will be more difficult.  i have a lot more anger toward her for the hurts she’s caused me.  if i don’t send them at the same time or close together it could be good or bad.  this is where i need therapist advice.

i’ve got to sleep now.  i’m so tired.  maybe i won’t wake up thinking of my sisters and how i wish they’d act like they care.

step one in working through the hurt…

emailed my sister.

i was very general and mentioned

i’d like to talk to her sometime.

i didn’t mention

not yet.

i can’t get the fact out of my mind that

my sisters gave t a card for her birthday

and not me.

after all the pain

why?

and why both of them unless

they maybe talked about it.

good advice i just wasn’t ready to take…

thank you so much for the comment below. i think deep inside i’m avoiding talking to my sister because it’s going to be emotional AND i’m not looking forward to hearing how i may have contributed to any hurts they’re experiencing. just for once i want to be cared about by them without any strings attached.

i think this was designed by fate (God). my hubby is good friends with my bro-in-law. they spent some time together yesterday and just consciously avoided talking about us sisters. well, today my sister called. i couldn’t take the call (i know) but it’s a step and i’ll respond to her maybe through email or a letter to let her know i got her message. i’m just not ready – i’m trying but it’s a really long story and years and years of hurt that have come together now.

to get therapy or not…that is the question

i’m kinda tired of therapy. i’ve only gone a few times, yes it’s been beneficial each time but also so very emotionally draining. i suppose i know already know whether or not i should continue but i just don’t WANT to (i should).
why can’t i just say i want to be happy and shabamm i am? what must take place in the deep recesses of my me-ness to usher in change? WHAT?
ok, i guess that’s why i need therapy. he’s really good and i really want this happiness thing to be inside all of me. not just my wishing section.
crap, just talked myself into going back.

forgiving a RAD child…

ok…if i approach my anger, hurt, disgust, etc…like this am i being honest with myself? i don’t know. there’s a lot of anger and hurt here because of t and whatever she’s dealing with. my response to her and her issues surprised me…no unconditional love here. i think this has caused me guilt and disappointment in myself.
so – right now i’m feeling better towards her. she’s been with my parents since august and i can’t describe the sigh of relief my soul has experienced. what is that? i think i was on the verge of crazy because of her. ugh. that’s how i feel when i think of her coming back. maybe she won’t – i do know my parents are starting to feel the weirdness that comes from her.
so – in forgiving her and healing from the pain she has caused me by her outright rejection of me, do i have to let her back into my life? right now i can’t, but does true forgiveness require this? i don’t think so but i’m worried/anxious that maybe reconcilliation might be in order. not yet. let me forgive the slow way…i hate that but it seems to work for me so far.

you know, forgiving her may never even matter to her. it would help my heart though. i just don’t want to get hurt working through the hurt. i have to do it though. i’ve put this stuff off far too long.

side note…ran into a woman from russia at the store yesterday.  we mentioned to her we had a daughter from russia – st. petersburg.  she asked how old and i told her 15 now, 10 when we adopted her.  she said too bad for russia.  i just looked at her like “what?”  she said too bad the russians wouldn’t adopt their own children.  i thought – yeah, would have saved us TONS of heartache.  but now, and i only say this because t has been out of our house since august, i think we did the right thing by giving her a better chance for happiness than she ever would have had in russia.  i’m all for sending her back when she’s a college student and able to take care of herself – but for now, we’ll deal with the hell that RAD children put everyone through.

moving on to the next hurt…

well, i’ve successfully been able to forgive two past friends. difficult? yes. worth all the tears and anger and hurt i revisited ( and still do from time to time) …yes.  rox and rosie are done and now i’m ready to move on to the next major hurt in my life…it’s either going to be t or my sisters. these are relationships i HAVE to face. i’m so mad with all three of these people (mad/hurt). there was a lot of pain in dealing with rosie and rox. i just can’t imagine what pain will be visited with these guys.

i’m afraid i won’t be able to just deal with these relationships and move on. these are people who remain in my life. once i handle what’s caused me pain from the past i’ll need to learn to protect myself from hurts that are sure to come. my stomach turns just thinking about all this.  anxiety?  great, i do think these people and my issues with them cause me plenty of anxiety.

please…one thing at a time. i don’t want the physical pain and discomfort that accompanies the emotional crap i have to deal with.  there has to be a quicker and easier way…ok, i know there’s not.  it’s taken me this long to finally just face my hurt the hard way and deal with it.  i don’t want to waste any more time getting down the path to my being healthy.

now, is this going to require communication with t or my sisters? i hope not, at least not right now.  i don’t want to be petty but i don’t want to make this more painful or difficult than it needs to be.  i’ll bring this up to rowan…he’ll know how to help me sort this out.