well, the couple whom I’ve finally been able to forgive and just move on has initiated a dialog. It seems they would like to talk.
All my fretting and finally handing this over to God and just letting my mind rest has paid off. Wow, it really does work to trust God.
This outcome hasn’t occurred in all of my relationships I’m trying to get over but this shows me hope. I feel this journey just got a little easier. 
ok. I’ve worked through TONS of crap to learn to forgive and move on in my life and come to a more mature way of dealing with hurt and pain.
the problem I’m experiencing now is the constant need to be on my guard so as not to get hurt. I don’t think this is what I was going for when I began this forgiveness journey. I want to be able to be hurt and deal with it without obsessing over it.
ahhh, I find myself now withdrawing from friendships and not wanting to make new friends for fear of getting hurt. I don’t think this is healthy. I know I need friends. I would like to have my family there for me. I truly trust neither.
so, now what? I’m going to try and put more effort back into my friendships. maybe I’ll just naturally open up again. I hope.
I need to remember
I have a life
breathe
enjoy
don’t dwell on the
yucky
I’m thinking of starting a blog about burned out, hurt, overworked pastor’s wives. with all our own crap along with everyone else’s to deal with it’s a wonder any of us survive.
some days I’d love to throw in the towel, ask my husband to get a real job and protect our children from “christians”.
God keeps me going. I’m thinking He’s going to need to give me a little more than hope to go on.
I’m tired. I’m hurt. I want relationships to be easy.
I’m surprised with myself with how far I’ve come in dealing with my sisters and our adopted daughter. I’ve made tremendous steps in forgiveness and dealing more maturely with hurt. I don’t want to even try anymore with this band member. He’s tried to ruin my friendships with other band members, he’s insulted me as a musician, he’s tried to manipulate me and he’s just plain been mean to me. He’s dealing with issues that have nothing to do with me (like his disdain for women) and it’s affecting me and my life in our church.
I would like to move. I’ve tried working with him and have found it to be impossible. Moving far away sounds really nice right now. Wish it could happen.
ps…I don’t understand his motivation to be so mean to me. why lie to me? why be insulting? what on earth is he doing this for?
wow, going back and re-reading what I’ve written makes me feel pretty immature. It’s all about me, poor me. Since I’m a grown-up maybe I should revisit how I’m perceiving this “band” relationship and handle it better/differently. I’m come this far I’m not going to go back to the petty way I’ve dealt with hurt in the past.
I’m going to do some more thinking/asking advice/praying about this.
ok, I’m really doing better than I was 6 months ago. I have gained about 7 lbs since my sisters came and went in June. That sucks. I do find it interesting that I gained weight after spending time with them. I need to get this off my chest so I can go back to a more comfortable weight.
Not quite sure why I’m dealing with thoughts of them right now. I know I’m disappointed in them for not taking part in our lives or “T’s” life. I feel they have behaved poorly and blamed me for things that aren’t as significant as their crap. I’ve got to let this go. I think about them not communicating with me even after opening myself up to them and it makes me mad/hurt.
I will be ok. I have an amazing life I need to appreciate more. I want to feel more contentment for what I have instead of pine for what I want. I can do this. I made it this far with God’s help…I’ll keep moving forward. Now…to go appreciate my children as I tuck them in tonight.
well, I’m re-writing what I just wrote ’cause my crappy computer just shut down. of course nothing was saved. anyway, I’m think I’m dealing with it pretty well considering my computer isn’t out the window and in the yard right now.
it’s taken a year of trusting other people to help me grow emotionally. I have two people I really trust that I’ve had to rely on their advice when I wanted to react to hurtful situations in the only way I knew how. stemming from my abuse as a child the way I’ve dealt with hurt, pain, anger etc…has been stunted. I’ve had to totally come out of my comfortable and familiar ways to be able to grow up. I’ve had to really examine myself and not be so stubborn and feeling so entitled to be treated a certain way. there’s always going to be hurt and pain, dealing with it in a healthy manner is my goal.
I can honestly FEEL a change. I don’t know exactly how to describe it – lighter feeling in my heart. my mind doesn’t dwell on hurts and anger over and over again. I used to replay circumstances that made me mad over and over again – thinking of how I could respond to cause the most pain back. I still get angry about some things but I don’t find myself stuck in it. that’s my biggest accomplishment. changing the way I think and how I feel pain and hurt has been a hard, slow and long road. I’m not done. wow though, I can see where changing myself is worth more than trying to change those around me.
onward ho!
well, this weekend went quite well. it was strange because neither sister acknowledged any problems – i’m thinking they were trying to keep the weekend lite or they may have been putting on a show for my parents – who knows. we didn’t talk about anything worth anything.
this was good for me though. it made me realize i don’t need my sisters. i actually think they have lots of their own issues to deal with and i’m glad to be as far along in my healing that i am. sister #1 has two out-of-control children because she refuses to discipline them. she lets them do whatever they want no matter how disruptive they are to others. at the wedding rehearsal they were running around the room, standing on chairs, pulling on other kids – whoa, i’m serious when i say out-of-control. at the wedding as people were being seated and i was playing prelude music she was letting her youngest son jump down the steps at the front of the church. very disruptive. the icing on the cake was when my dad was sticking magnetics between the toes of her oldest (3) just being silly. child said he didn’t like that and my sister quickly spoke up and said he didn’t have to do anything that made him uncomfortable. ??? he’s freaking 3 years old. my dad later said child was actually having fun and it was weird sister said that since my dad was trying to bond with a grandchild he hardly ever gets to see. If she thinks letting her children do whatever they want is good parenting she’s got more problems than she’s going to know how to deal with. i can’t imagine how they go places like restaurants with these kids.
sister #2 doesn’t know how to just be a part of the family. she can’t just sit and enjoy being with her next of kin without inviting someone else to be there by her side. she called a friend (not even invited to the wedding) to come to my brother’s rehearsal dinner. instead of sitting and talking with family, she sits in a different place than what my mom assigned and spent the evening talking with her friend. since it’s been almost a year since she’s seen or spoken to any of us, i found it odd that she didn’t even make an effort to talk with our children.
i’m feeling better about them not having supported us or not having contact with us for so long. they’re more messed up than i am. these were just things i saw in two days. who knows what other crap they’re probably dealing with. if my sister #1 can’t stand her children or herself being told what to do or feeling uncomfortable i wonder what her marriage looks like, what her friendships are like – if a friend offends does she shut them out?
at least i’m working toward a healthy life. a healthy heart and mind. right now they look stuck and i’m not going back.
i forgive you guys for being lousy sisters. i forgive you for treating my children poorly and for not being there when we went through a difficult time. i forgive you for being so judgmental when you had no idea of the facts. i forgive you for being ultimate bitches and ganging up on me when i was already down. i think i’m going to be working on this forgiveness for awhile but i’m also more optimistic about being able to accomplish it.
one of the excuses given to me by one of my sisters as to why she wasn’t communicating with me is how concerned she is about t’s abondonment issues.
well, if she had been communicating with me (or anyone else in our family) she would know that t has not been abandoned by anyone but her and my other sister. just because t has gone to live with my parents it didn’t cut off our relationship or communication with her. my husband talks with her once a week or more (i speak to her less because of her issues with mother figures). we’re in constant communication with my parents.
i guess i’m angry at being accused of abandoning someone by the person who is doing the actual abandoning.
i also realize i may be trying to have a relationship with people (my sisters) who don’t want a relationship. they both said they felt i didn’t want them involved in my life – well, the truth is sister #1 has disengaged herself from everyone in the family but sister #2. unfortunately, sister #2 is now using lingo sister #1 uses.
looking back on our family history – even before dealing with t i realize my sisters don’t really care about our family. when h was in the hospital hooked up to an oxygen machine neither sister called to see how he was doing. i should have got it then.
this isn’t for sure but i think if i don’t get an apology or some sort of positive message from my sisters i’m going to move on. i don’t have enough energy to keep working on my relationship with them, t and have a healthy, happy family here at home. they are no longer a priority.
i have to get to a point where that’s ok. i don’t need them to like me. i don’t need their validation in my life. there’s a bond between family members that makes us long for each other – i think. it’s about time to break that bond and move on for me. i’ll grieve for the relationship between our children but that’s it.
in our therapy session last thursday i was asked, “if my mom ever called and apologized and asked for forgiveness, would i give it to her?” i said “yes”. it’s funny in a way. my dad wrote me letters and verbally asked me for forgiveness years ago. that helped me forgive my mom too even though she’s never asked. my mom apologized to me once that i vividly remember (she may have other times too but i don’t recall them off hand). i was 3 or 4 and had come into the house after playing outside because i had wet my pants. she screamed at me hit me several times then told me to change. i did. i then laid down in my bed and just cried. she later came in and sat down beside me and said she was sorry.
therapist asked how i felt at that moment. i remember feeling important.
that was over 30 years ago. wow. i’m changing the way i deal with hurt now because the little girl in me was never able to have my feelings (hurt or otherwise) validated.
the way i feel does not define me as a person. the way i feel is not who i am. the way i react to my feelings has defined me as a person. i haven’t ever played the role of a victim but the lack of value i’ve placed on my own feelings has made me one. this is really hard to explain because i’m just beginning to understand it myself. certain people and circumstances trigger my little girl way of dealing with hurt (a child with r.a.d., sisters who intentionally have tried to hurt me, etc…). i’m learning to rise above that. one.- by realizing my value. i am important. the way i feel matters. the way i react matters. i effect myself and those in my immediate circle of lives.
now. really believing this and changing the way i think and react to my feelings is very difficult. i trust my husband to bounce my thoughts off of. i trust the therapist we’re working with. finally. in a long line of counselors (my parents started me in counseling when i was 5) this one is actually helping me. i’m probably at a place in my life where the advice and my maturity can mesh to make a difference.
i’m also recognizing the need for change in my own life and i’m willing to do it. i’m not changing the part that is me – strong-willed, stubborn, compassionate, sensitive, etc… i’m changing the wounded part of me into a healthy me. the only people aware of this process of mine is hubby, therapist and one close friend. we swap therapy stories…pathetic but funny and encouraging. i don’t feel the need to open myself to those who may or may not have my back.
i’m making huge progress (in my opinion). unfortunately, i’ve been easily irritated lately and wonder if i’m off balance because i’m concentrating so hard on how i need to deal with my sister issues right now. my brain can only take so much. i’ll work on not letting my irritation show (cause oh yeah, it’s there).
